November and NaBloPoMo: Reflection

So November’s over. What happened?

I became infatuated with a certain guy (okay, maybe I fell in love a little bit). And I don’t know what I’m going to do about him anymore, on account of him canceling our date with 3 hours notice. What I do know is that thinking of him still makes me smile. I’ll just wing it.

I didn’t talk to Penguin Cat much this month, because he was mostly at home being quite sick. I realized from this how much I still cared about him. It’s a love more mature and almost deeper than anything we had when we were together, and I don’t know if I feel the same about anyone else.

Relationships are about reciprocation. And that’s what makes them beautiful–two people who love each other and who appreciate each other. I think that I fell in love with him when he was just talking about himself, but I don’t think he felt as deep a connection with me as I did with him. Coming to terms with that took a long time and his choices didn’t make it easier (read: messy breakup). I was afraid for a time I’d come out hating him–it’s extremely difficult, I think, to turn love into indifference. It can turn into hate or, after skirting along this path for a while, it can grow up a little.

We finally worked things out (mostly at the direction of Xunrae Bing and the eventual insistence of me) this September, which makes that more than two years of bad decisions on his part. Of those two years, one summer and one school year was spent worrying but telling myself not to worry, one summer was spent thinking he died (long story) when he suddenly cut off all contact with me, one school year was spent miserable, trying to salvage our friendship and to get the conversation he refused and one summer spent being completely done with his shit. (There’s no better word for it.) The thing that killed me the most was that almost everything I know about what happened I figured out myself and inquired him about it. I know the beautiful and the downright appalling sides of him, and I know it was easiest to hate him.

It was a conscious decision, then, to forgive him, to let my love grow up, and I don’t feel the need for him to feel the same way anymore. It’s okay if he doesn’t, it’s even okay if he doesn’t know about it. Perhaps this love is something magnificent but I think it also comes with not being able to imagine myself with him again. I know too much about him.

That was definitely the most maturing realization I had this month.

What else?

First real birthday party ever! (Related sidenote: I’m an adult!) Merci Lemma, Ironic Oxidant, Origami Flame, and Toan for that. Here’s a picture:

2015-12-03 01.18.40

That’s what you think it is.

And of course, NaBloPoMo! Again, amazing experience! 😀 I think I’ve really started to explore photography and also I’m pretty proud of several of my pieces that have resulted.

<3, jeralie

Advertisements

Thanks

A mini-poem for each!

My parents
We had perhaps a bit of a rough start,
for neither you nor me got my feelings
I later saw how much you love me
how you taught me to be kind
and that is good enough for me.

My sister
We too had a rough beginning,
but I enjoy your frank remarks
our silly repartee and steadfastness.

Xunrae Bing
We go waaay back, no?
Thank you for speaking in a
stream of consciousness

Toan
The two of you are so cute
I can’t just write two poems
(actually maybe code names are just too hard)
anyways, thank you for our great exploits of lore
and here are cheers for many more!

Lemma
I thank you, roomie,
for our butterflies and our dragons
and our ice cream and our late-night talks
I hope 341 will become more
and more
our home away from home.

Leerry Hookerr
I hope you at last come to realize
I haven’t felt this way in a long, long while
You’d better start acting like you’re worth it soon
but really I thank you for making me smile.

Origami Flame
Thank you for being always there for
well
for basically everyone
but also for me.

Chipmunk Cow
In hindsight, looking back at the whole thing,
Truly I have no regrets,
I hope you feel the same.
I’m glad we at last worked things out–
Thank you for the memories and
helping me with homework and
for being such a troll.

Jams
If trolls exist
(they do)
why, you’d be the king of the trolls!
But a troll king I can rely on.

Kitty
On Hallow’s Eve,
it is my firm belief
that only you can truly be a cat–
and a bookworm cat at that.

Ironic Oxidant
You’re a chemist
aka a lost cause
thanks for walking me home
even though I hate chemistry.

JSun
After six years of going to the same school and not having a single class together
I’m finally getting to know you and here’s what I have:
You’re a nerd
but a buff nerd
and a caring buff nerd
who’s kind of idealistic too
so
caring idealistic buff nerd who gives rather sound advice.
Thank you.

Darak
Thank you for being
a little (read: a lot) wrong in the head,
it’s okay
I am too.

Dill Pong
Thank you, my starry-eyed friend,
for being so hard to characterize.

Werry Ju
Thank you for reading my ramblings–
I so enjoy your comments for
you are as logical as I am not.

Aurich
It’s always just
fairly trivial,
huh? Thank you for being
fairly amusing.

Lulliun
Talking to you is a breath of fresh air.

Lane E. Lin
Your metaphors grow on metaphor trees
as opposed to metaphorical trees.
Thank you for the free metaphors.

My Readers
For caring, reading, staying, I have
for you but one heart of thanks.

 

Crutch

People come in all sorts of different shapes and sizes and textures and layerings. Some come box-shaped from trying to fit themselves into one, some big, capable of filling up an entire room, some are soft and fuzzy, others slippery, some wear their hearts on their sleeves and still others  layered like the earth: few get past the thin rocky crust to the mantle, and virtually no one can get to the solid core that drives everything above it.

And for whatever reason they like to come to me.

They come to me one after another with their family problems, relationship problems, their teenage angst. I like this guy, he’s so cute. I want to break up with him but don’t know how. My parents are fighting and it’s so complicated. All of them boats a little bit broken trying to keep afloat in a tough bend of the river of life.

I tell them it’s going to be okay and it’ll get better, because it really will. I offer what little advice I can give. I try to help them patch up their brokenness, all the while telling them that it’s okay to be a little bit damaged, we all are.

Sometimes it’s not a straight path out. Sometimes I’m powerless to stop them from walking right into a hellhole. I’ve seen the making of bad or just plain abusive relationships, the deepening of family resentments. A multiplication of problems of sorts, but I know I’ll be there to catch them for those as well.

But as a testament to the strength of the human spirit, eventually they all seem to make it through. Past the vale of tears, past the bend in the river. They exclaim how I was right, they give me a hug, and they continue. Most times we lose contact and I don’t hear from them in a long time.

But I don’t know how to get out of here. The people don’t stop coming, and I need to help them. Who else would? I fiercely believe in the lightness of humans but I mostly meet them in darkness. So am I a cynic or a dreamer? Who knows?

Who cares?

For now I’m still stuck in the darkness, telling people they’ll make it out while wishing for someone to tell me the same. Or rather, I wish I could believe it myself. I wouldn’t hope this on anyone else.

——

The above piece is dedicated to a dear friend. You can visit/follow him here.

Today

Today (11/20/15) was the last day of being a child. It was also a good day.

I went to math lecture early to talk to a certain someone who discovered taobao.com (for those of you who still have not, it’s basically Chinese Amazon but everything is extra cheap). Have fun reading the Chinese, I said.

“Fuck,” he said, “it’s in Chinese.”

Did I say sometimes he says “fick” to censor himself?

Math quiz was meh but I was running on four hours of sleep. But that’s alright because we got out of class early and we talked some more! 😀 At a certain point I started listing out chem people I knew, and he said, “You know me too.” I just thought it was adorable. And then I asked him to have lunch with me on Sunday, and we’re going to my favorite cafe!

I was smiley for an entire hour after this. Like you know the kind of smile that just sneaks up on you and all of the sudden it blows up on your face and everyone can guess what’s up.

Then I ran into the resident couple of the squirREL family and we hung out in Unit 2 recounting our life stories. Funniest story: when ThoL was small and on a stroller, his sister got tired of walking and demanded to switch places with him. He can’t walk, his mom said. “Make him walk.”

We ate dinner at Thai Basil (note to self: it’s a lot of food).

When I came back I found that GemG hadn’t left the dorm for an entire so I made her get up and we went to get froyo.

Honestly this entire post was just to record this day in history. Because it was a good one.

And yeah, about not being a kid tomorrow? Here’s to hoping I don’t ever become as the little prince would say, “une grande personne.”

Here’s to many more good days!

Melancholy

it’s just a feeling of

people are fascinating creatures but
at times I tire of talking to them
and

boys I like are a rare species
he’s wonderful but I know
all too well
to invest this much is dangerous

it is hard to talk about my problems
because everyone has their own
someone needs to have an open ear

it’s none of my business but
he showed his true colors even before
(but you know they say love is blind)
she is strapping a bomb to herself
promising her life to a parasite

have the homeless the criminals the terrorists
failed the world
or has the world failed them
or has the world
simply failed

but this world has
love street vendors good food
shimmery dresses music
weird beautiful complicated humans
and always–always–
hope of a better tomorrow.

Quickwriting

So I searched up quickwrite topics, because I needed inspiration and I found most of them kind of dumb (thank goodness elementary school days are over). But here we go! All of these are spectacularly quick:

  1. Write about going back to school after summer vacation.
    I’m so excited to be sitting here in this hard small fake-wood desk writing about going back to school as another reminder of the fact that I got up at 7 today just so I can write about coming back to this place.
  2. Write a thank you note to a friend who gave you onion and garlic-flavored chewing gum. 
    Tenks friend. Better watch out though.
  3. Describe a real made-up dream or nightmare.
    I dreamed about the spider girls in 孙悟空. ‘Nuff said.
  4. Write about your favorite childhood toy. 
    A stuffed brown and white dog. He’s still in China though.
  5. Write out the best or the worst day of your life.
    See, if I told you about the best day, I’d be saying that the rest of my life just couldn’t compare to that day. If I told you about the worst day–well that’d just make me revisit something quite horrible and you’d be scared. Kids also have had pretty dark moments, okay. Sometimes it’s all mixed up. Do you really want to read either 1) a cheesy retelling of a nice day out with friends, or 2) a visit to some dark, dark times? Writings of the first category are monotonous and writings of the second are scary. This is a bad prompt, please keep yourself sane, and stop asking why our writing is so bad.
  6. Finish this thought: if I could change one thing about myself (if you can’t think of anything, you might want to consider telling how you got to be perfect!)
    I don’t know how I got to be perfect. I just am. Unless you want me to say I’d like to be taller.
  7. If and when I raise children, I’ll never…
    …say never.
  8. I have never been more frightened than when…
    Again, I think you’d be scared. Don’t worry about it.
  9. Persuade a friend to give up drugs. 
    Drugs are bad for you. Not that you didn’t know that already, just wanted to let you know to make myself feel superior.
  10. Five years from now, I will be… 
    I’ve no idea and that’s why my life is exciting.
  11. Write about a day you’d like to forget. 
    See response to number 5.
  12. Invent and describe a new food.
    I’ll invent it when I feel the need for a new one.
  13. Describe an event that changed your life forever, or make up and describe an event that would change your life forever.
    I was born.
  14. Describe someone who is a hero to you and explain why. 
    I don’t know, I have too many. Just pick one from the latest issue of TMZ and I’ll have an explanation.
  15. Write about a time in your life when you struggled with a choice and made the right one.
    I took the path less traveled by.

Ok that’s enough troll for today. Here’s one I actually liked:

Write a list of at least 50 things that make you feel good.

  1. Playing piano
  2. Composing when I can get stuff out
  3. Adele
  4. Taylor Swift
  5. Ingrid Michaelson
  6. Number Theory
  7. Calculus
  8. Listening to French people talk
  9. Listening to old songs for the nostalgia
  10. Poetry
  11. People watching
  12. Good food
  13. Nature
  14. Doe Library
  15. Fremont Main Library (oh, the memories)
  16. Libraries in general
  17. Books
  18. Sunrises
  19. Stationary
  20. Friends and family and good relationships
  21. Fruit
  22. Steinbeck (East of EdenGrapes of Wrath)
  23. Shakespeare (HamletMuch Ado About Nothing)
  24. Catcher in the Rye
  25. A Song of Ice and Fire
  26. Russian Literature (War and Peace, Crime and Punishment)
  27. Beethoven Sonatas
  28. Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2
  29. Chopin Scherzo Op. 31
  30. Le Petit Prince
  31. Braids / Special Hairdos
  32. Dresses
  33. Human goodness
  34. Little Cafes
  35. Sitting in the shade doing nothing
  36. Photography
  37. Noodles
  38. Pretty colors (there are a lot)
  39. Seafood
  40. Tea (with milk and otherwise)
  41. Berkeley
  42. Watching makeup tutorials (but not actually doing makeup)
  43. Satire
  44. Banff and Jasper
  45. Typography
  46. Origami
  47. Teaching
  48. Dance
  49. Drama
  50. The WordPress Community ❤ Truly, all of the support and the openness and the discussion and output–photography, poetry, short stories, open letters, essays–is encouraging and humbling and amazing. Thanks to everyone for the wonderful journey.