So November’s over. What happened?
I became infatuated with a certain guy (okay, maybe I fell in love a little bit). And I don’t know what I’m going to do about him anymore, on account of him canceling our date with 3 hours notice. What I do know is that thinking of him still makes me smile. I’ll just wing it.
I didn’t talk to Penguin Cat much this month, because he was mostly at home being quite sick. I realized from this how much I still cared about him. It’s a love more mature and almost deeper than anything we had when we were together, and I don’t know if I feel the same about anyone else.
Relationships are about reciprocation. And that’s what makes them beautiful–two people who love each other and who appreciate each other. I think that I fell in love with him when he was just talking about himself, but I don’t think he felt as deep a connection with me as I did with him. Coming to terms with that took a long time and his choices didn’t make it easier (read: messy breakup). I was afraid for a time I’d come out hating him–it’s extremely difficult, I think, to turn love into indifference. It can turn into hate or, after skirting along this path for a while, it can grow up a little.
We finally worked things out (mostly at the direction of Xunrae Bing and the eventual insistence of me) this September, which makes that more than two years of bad decisions on his part. Of those two years, one summer and one school year was spent worrying but telling myself not to worry, one summer was spent thinking he died (long story) when he suddenly cut off all contact with me, one school year was spent miserable, trying to salvage our friendship and to get the conversation he refused and one summer spent being completely done with his shit. (There’s no better word for it.) The thing that killed me the most was that almost everything I know about what happened I figured out myself and inquired him about it. I know the beautiful and the downright appalling sides of him, and I know it was easiest to hate him.
It was a conscious decision, then, to forgive him, to let my love grow up, and I don’t feel the need for him to feel the same way anymore. It’s okay if he doesn’t, it’s even okay if he doesn’t know about it. Perhaps this love is something magnificent but I think it also comes with not being able to imagine myself with him again. I know too much about him.
That was definitely the most maturing realization I had this month.
First real birthday party ever! (Related sidenote: I’m an adult!) Merci Lemma, Ironic Oxidant, Origami Flame, and Toan for that. Here’s a picture:
And of course, NaBloPoMo! Again, amazing experience! 😀 I think I’ve really started to explore photography and also I’m pretty proud of several of my pieces that have resulted.