Sherwood

is dark enough to be taken seriously
but she evokes a sort of misty

calming optimistic daze

like the one math students get into
when they’ve studied for too long
like the one where they start comparig
the abstractness of abstract
algebra and linear algebra

she’s easygoing
but not overly

for if you look carefully enough at her
in just the right light you might just catch
a glimmer of the passion and fire and sass
inside.

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Darling, dear

friend,

I still remember how you fell
or rather, jumped
headfirst
in love with danger

and jumping headfirst
and danger taste the same–
a little bit salty
with a hint of rosiness–

so I get you
(besides, it’s 那英老师’s key to becoming a good 情歌 singer)
and I honest to God love you

remember how we fell apart
and fell back together-almost
and how, crying, you called

i cried later

maybe God will help you
but I swear
they’d better not blame you
or with my God-given tiny fists
I will drive them away

dear friend
just know that I’m already home.

The Hole called Succulents: a Beginner’s Guide

Succulents are adorable! I fell into this hole a while back, towards the beginning of freshman year. But I’ve been acquiring more and more of them this year and I thought I should make a guide (though a plethora exist already, for sure) for those who want to keep their succulents alive.

The first thing to note is that succulents are really hardy plants. Like if you leave them in your dorm for a week while you’re there’s a good chance they will pull through.

However, while dryness is usually not an issue, but not enough sun and too much water is. (Caveat is if your succulent is under a LOT of direct sunlight per day (like say 5-6 hours of midday to afternoon sun) you risk burning your succulent if it doesn’t get enough water. So if this is the case in your room, make sure to monitor your succulents leaves from time to time.) A succulent needs at least a few hours of direct sunlight per day, so try putting it on a sunny window sill.

The other really horrible thing you can do to your succulent is feed it too much water and rot its roots.  While this sounds really horrible and seemingly unfixable, (again) they are super hardy. So just cut away the nonrotted part, dump out the soil, and repot the not rotted part in new soil. This works for making two plants out of one as well. (:

So how do you know a succulent is having a problem? Remember how fat and firm and juicy those leaves were when you got him/her? That’s always the way the leaves towards the top should be (the ones towards the bottom will wilt). But if you’re noticing a disproportionate amount of limp unhealthy leaves that’s usually a sign to try something different.

Happy succulenting! (:

NaNoBloMo and Updates!

Hello! It’s been a long time (been super busy, mostly because…I don’t seem to stop having school?…sorry). Also I’ve been having a bad case of feeling a lot (okay, this is me a lot of the time though) but still not really right words for them (ya know that feeling?)

So to try to break out of my writer’s block, maybe I’ll give you my updates in a series of short poems! Short poems as in short in length and short in composition time. Here goes!

I.

Coal, tell me
when do you think this origami flame
sprung up

from butterflies and stars and
being awake for much the same time they were
talking

II.

I’ve fallen down the hole
named stationery
but that was preceded by
the hole called succulents

III.

I once read a book where
the house gnomes came in and
made bread with whatever
materials you left out

I’m trying to mix together math cs
education writing
it’s gonna take forever
but I love my students

IV.

In people it is easy to find
fault and darkness
but in my students it’s easy to find
potential and light.

I consider making a new blog every year, but I think it’s interesting to see how I grow as a person and a writer. (The girl who made the first post on here was a junior in high school. She’s grown up a bit, I think.) This is my third time doing NaNoBloMo whoohoooo (:

On the other side

2016-04-08 01.34.30-1

I’m not a particularly high-maintenance person (this, incidentally, is how I started one of my college essays). My daily makeup routine is basically lotion when I remember; genes or God or whatever blessed me with pretty good skin. But on Thursday I went to an university-sponsored dance on a boat, so I dressed up. Short kind of skin-tight black dress with open back, black pumps, red purse, deep red nails, red lipstick, and mascara. (Lipstick and mascara are basically the only things I can consistently do without looking like horror movie.)

I’m generally not the subject of male attention, but yesterday I got a little taste of that.

Incident 1: 

“Hello,” said the boy I may or may not have had a thing for around a month ago, his eyes meeting mine for a moment but already moving down.

“Hi!” I said, acutely aware that his eyes were still moving down. Upon reaching the pointy toes of my shoes, his eyes went back up, and he walked away.

Ugh.

Incident 2: 

I was looking for MicY after we arrived at the pier when I heard “Hi Jer(alie)!” from someone from Math 53 discussion last semester. It’s a miracle he still remembered my name, because I certainly did not remember his.

“Long time no see!” he was saying. Coincidentally, I did see him a week or so ago on Sather Gate when I was in regular clothes. I had waved at him and he gave me a weird look before waving back.

“Yeah, how are you?” I asked and small talk ensued, which I thought was totally regular, until he put his arm around me.

“You and me, we totally look like people from the 1920s!”

I’m out, I thought, and found a way to quickly exit the conversation.

It’ll be some before I dress like that again, but the thing is I shouldn’t be afraid to. The blatant objectification of the guy from Incident 1 really disturbed me, especially from someone who mocked the horniness of the guys on YikYak. At least acknowledge what you were doing by saying something like “You look nice.” (On a slightly related sidenote, I read somewhere recently that Bertrand Russel argued that the impulse to moralize was a sign of a cruelty, which I think is a good point.) Yes, YikYak sometimes makes me uncomfortable, but who am I to say that it’s wrong? It’s anonymous and it’s (usually) not directly aimed at anyone identifiable.

Xunrae suggested that next time someone checks me out I stare aggressively at his crotch, which is a good suggestion but not one I’ll probably follow through on.

I don’t think I’ve said much that hasn’t been said before, but this was a kind of new experience for me and I think it’s important, this question of purity and being sexy but not too sexy. In many descriptions I’ve read on the internet there is often a clarification made–the girl wasn’t wearing anything showy, or nothing as showy as, say, a hooker. As if men start to own your body when you wear something past a certain point of revealing. As if men own the body of that sex worker in question. Because in the end it’s really the men’s choice as to what exactly crosses that line to “asking for it.”

To Love

To love is a decision made with half a conscious mind,
then the rest quickly follows.
Or is it the other way around?

To love is to be bound
but to be content nevertheless.
Or is it the other way around?

Santa Hat

He wore a Santa hat
and shook it to the beat of
Who knows what–

I threw him a little smile
which he caught and threw back
through two sheets of glass.

He turned left
and I turned right
Leaving nary a trace of the smile
but for the corners of my lips
and a teeny tiny footprint
in a corner of my heart.

——-
In the spirit of Christmas, that was my little gift. May your stockings be full, and, barring that, may your heart be full of joy and wonder of the year gone past and the one to come. Merry Christmas!

November and NaBloPoMo: Reflection

So November’s over. What happened?

I became infatuated with a certain guy (okay, maybe I fell in love a little bit). And I don’t know what I’m going to do about him anymore, on account of him canceling our date with 3 hours notice. What I do know is that thinking of him still makes me smile. I’ll just wing it.

I didn’t talk to Penguin Cat much this month, because he was mostly at home being quite sick. I realized from this how much I still cared about him. It’s a love more mature and almost deeper than anything we had when we were together, and I don’t know if I feel the same about anyone else.

Relationships are about reciprocation. And that’s what makes them beautiful–two people who love each other and who appreciate each other. I think that I fell in love with him when he was just talking about himself, but I don’t think he felt as deep a connection with me as I did with him. Coming to terms with that took a long time and his choices didn’t make it easier (read: messy breakup). I was afraid for a time I’d come out hating him–it’s extremely difficult, I think, to turn love into indifference. It can turn into hate or, after skirting along this path for a while, it can grow up a little.

We finally worked things out (mostly at the direction of Xunrae Bing and the eventual insistence of me) this September, which makes that more than two years of bad decisions on his part. Of those two years, one summer and one school year was spent worrying but telling myself not to worry, one summer was spent thinking he died (long story) when he suddenly cut off all contact with me, one school year was spent miserable, trying to salvage our friendship and to get the conversation he refused and one summer spent being completely done with his shit. (There’s no better word for it.) The thing that killed me the most was that almost everything I know about what happened I figured out myself and inquired him about it. I know the beautiful and the downright appalling sides of him, and I know it was easiest to hate him.

It was a conscious decision, then, to forgive him, to let my love grow up, and I don’t feel the need for him to feel the same way anymore. It’s okay if he doesn’t, it’s even okay if he doesn’t know about it. Perhaps this love is something magnificent but I think it also comes with not being able to imagine myself with him again. I know too much about him.

That was definitely the most maturing realization I had this month.

What else?

First real birthday party ever! (Related sidenote: I’m an adult!) Merci Lemma, Ironic Oxidant, Origami Flame, and Toan for that. Here’s a picture:

2015-12-03 01.18.40

That’s what you think it is.

And of course, NaBloPoMo! Again, amazing experience! 😀 I think I’ve really started to explore photography and also I’m pretty proud of several of my pieces that have resulted.

<3, jeralie